Blackout

I had come here with clear intentions, and it was time to follow through.

"Thomas, I just need to do things on my own. I feel like we're growing apart and we both know you don't like who I'm becoming; I think we really need some space to figure out who we are and where we're going."

That was such a rehearsed line and deep down, I knew it. I just couldn't bring myself to shatter his heart with the truth. I watched the tears roll down Thomas' face as he fell to his knees when my words finally sunk in. Truthfully, I don't know which one of us was more heartbroken. We both looked at the floor in silent tears until he finally looked up and spoke,

"Please. Please Brogan. Why are you doing this to me? Why is this so sudden? What about our future? Our home? Our baby?"

I looked down at the brown eyes peering up at me and my heart broke knowing I was giving all of this up. I had it made here, I had a home we had put weeks of work into, Thomas provided for me even though he knew I could take care of myself, and we had a sweet, loyal collie we both loved like a child. There was no way I could take Kimber with me; the rental I shared with my three roommates had a strict no pet policy.

"Okay, what if maybe we just take some time and I make a decision?" I asked Thomas, wanting to somehow make this easier. I already knew my decision, but whatever he needed to hear. "Just give me a week to really think on it and then we'll evaluate where we are," he looked a little less devastated but I knew this would hit him hard. "I'll do anything Brogan, I can't lose you."

"I'm so sorry Thomas, just know that no matter what I will always love you," and with that we sat together in silent tears before I noticed how late it was getting and let him know I had to get on the road. "Aren't you staying with your parents tonight?" he asked me.

"No, I have a lot to do tonight and I didn't bring any clothes or anything plus I have class right away in the morning," I didn't have much to do, and truth be told, I would most likely be skipping my morning class but it gave me an excuse to get the hell out of there. We walked over to the door and looked sadly into each others' eyes for a moment before sharing one last kiss. With that I left his house, MY house, and didn't look back until I was an hour into my drive and realized I had a death grip on my steering wheel and was breathing like I had run a marathon. I hadn't remembered any of my drive; I barely knew where I was or how I even stayed on the road and it was well into the dark night. Great, I hate driving at night and can hardly see. I made a mental note to call my mom and get me into her office to see if I need glasses. I pulled over to get it together, mostly because I wanted to survive the roughly 4 hours I still had ahead of me. As I leaned my head against the steering wheel, the tears returned. I knew this was my choice, but that didn't help the pain at all. I was giving up so much and had no idea if I made the right decision. I pulled it together and wiped my nose on my sleeve like the lady I am and looked around. Slowly, I began to remember my surroundings and remembered where I was. I took another minute to slow my breathing to normal before I decided I was in the condition to finish driving.

I spent the rest of my drive thinking about the last four and a half years with Thomas, the memories we had, and how it ended like this.