Hi friends! I am really grateful for the traffic this blog has gotten so far! I didn't think that many people would visit so I'm really appreciating all the love you have shown me. I also REALLY appreciate the positive comments and thank you again for visiting! I know that's all I keep saying but seriously...
Anyway, I have a new post up. I'm open to any feedback on my writing and will have another post for you soon! Thanks for reading :)
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
Love Story
I had always thought I would marry my high school sweetheart, that's the way it's supposed to end right? We had even bought a house together and were talking about getting engaged soon. How does something like this just fall apart? I though about where Thomas and I went wrong in our relationship and considered turning around and running back into his arms, telling him I didn't mean it and I would fix everything in our relationship. But it doesn't work like that. What's done is done and I have to face it.
As I continued to drive on into the night I found myself lost in thought about my relationship with Thomas. It was a perfect love story and set up to last forever... well we see how that worked out. We met years and years ago; we have actually known each other since middle school. My parents had just moved us back to my hometown after spending ten years in a Chicago suburb for my father's job. This was the first time I had changed schools and knew nobody, not that I had gotten the chance to since we got settled in exactly one day before school started. Let's also take a minute to establish that the awkward middle school phase hit me like a freight train. I didn't see the first sign of boobs until well into high school, I had braces, and was rebelling against the upscale, suburbanite life my family embodied. AKA: my emo phase. I cringe even thinking about it. So here was this mess of braces, elbows and knees, and poorly dyed black hair getting on the bus bright and early Monday morning (I had never used the bus to get to school so I was only slightly intimidated) at the last stop and the only place to sit was in the back with some older looking kids. This tall, awkward looking guy with red (pink?) hair offered me a seat by him and made conversation with me. It looked like somebody else was going through the same phase as me and we bonded and became bus buddies. Thomas was a year older than me and became something like a big brother to me in middle school.
Fast forward a few years and he left me to grow up and be in high school while I had to sit in the eighth grade. Lame I know. By this time I had made plenty of friends (turns out everybody wants to get to know the new kid in small towns) and fit in with just about any crowd but really had a desire to date older boys. Of course Thomas was there on the bus still to help console me over my heartbreak of the week. We stayed friends in high school but drifted apart. He was more of the hipstery/musician crowd and I was in the homecoming court/go to every football game/varsity dance team crowd. Oh yeah, I'm a dancer, fun fact. It wasn't until the end of my junior year of high school and a slew of two-month relationships going nowhere, AND being dumped after prom (to be honest the best part of prom was parading around for court and looking like a princess, definitely not my date) that one of my guy friends said maybe Thomas was interested in me and I should consider talking to him again. We hardly ever talked anymore after I got my license and didn't need rides from him and I found it odd that he would be interested in me but whatever, it's boy attention and I was all about that life. Of course I texted him and struck up a conversation and talked day and night. And being the flirt I used to be I encouraged the attention but never agreed to a date until the summer after Thomas graduated, a few months since I first texted him. He took me to a tractor pull in a nearby town (that's what we do in small towns, don't judge) and it was cute and lame and cheesy and perfect. He even brought me back home (his parents') and made me filet mignon for dinner. I was clearly impressed.
Thomas was way too nice though, so of course I fizzled out our texts because he wasn't douchey enough and didn't try to have sex with me. Even though I had only slept with two guys up to this point, I was still a closet sloot, whatever. My head wasn't exactly screwed on straight in my high school years (it's probably not even now if we're being honest with ourselves). Instead I chose to fool around with this guy who was in love with himself so much he was incapable of noticing anybody else. At some point I realized this life was not fulfilling anymore and reached out to Thomas. I guess something in me knew it was time to go for somebody I could actually have a relationship with. Well, imagine my surprise when I called him and heard a female voice answer, "Thomas' phone." I didn't see him as the type of person to really go between girls although I had pretty much given him the cold shoulder so I just told her to have him call back when he was free. I know, ballsy. Not even ten minutes later he called apologizing about that (wrapped around my finger already) and said something about having a going-away party and this girl Staci that wouldn't leave him alone. Staci went to school with us and graduated with him and was well known for... making her rounds. She should have been a red flag from the start but I was more concerned about why in the hell he was having a going-away party. Thomas told me he was leaving for South Dakota in the morning for lineman school. I had no idea he was into that or even considered leaving but he told me there wasn't really much in Wisconsin for him.
So that was that. Thomas moving across the country was a kick in the ass that made me realize I wanted him. Two days after he arrived in South Dakota, he received a sobbing phone call from me reminding him how much I missed him. I get what I want, always. A few short weeks later, over Skype, Thomas asked me to be his girlfriend and it was the sweetest thing, probably ever. So we began our relationship over long distance. When he returned home, we had the strongest relationship anyone could ask for, even when I moved to Madison for college. We had five hours of distance between us but that didn't stop us. We visited whenever we could, with him making special trips to watch me dance (UW dance team, NBD). It was hard and the drive was agonizing, but we did everything we could to make it work. BUT...
His mother was the definition of monster-in-law. She adored me but since she never finished her college career and was a stay-at-home mom that leeched off of her husband she expected me to be a little housewife too. Sorry Karla, I have career goals. So of course she snuck in snide comments about school whenever she got the chance and had no lack of comments about the distance. It only got worse when Thomas and I decided to buy a house together. I think she was expecting me to quit school and enter full housewife mode. No such luck. My parents warned me that it would be difficult to balance but what 21-year-old listens to their parental warnings. Certainly not this one. Thankfully my name wasn't exactly on the mortgage so the status of the house ended up being the only thing not messy about the breakup. But back to the issue on hand. The MIL was getting increasingly rude and shot down all of the career paths I was thinking of. She was putting an unbearable amount of pressure on me to always be back home and that just wasn't feasible with class, dancing, and having an internship. I had planned on moving back home and claiming my hubby after graduation since I was guaranteed a job there but that wasn't soon enough for her. I was already halfway through my seventh semester, with only five months left. I had already nixed my plan of grad school when Thomas and I really started planning our future but he was more important to me. And here I was, exactly three weeks before my birthday. All of the pressure from her and Thomas adding to the anxiety with picking at everything I did in Madison finally brought me to the breaking point. Garrett entering the mix only fueled the fire.
I was pulled from my thoughts by the floodlight on my garage signaling I had made it back to my college house. I hauled all of my belongings out of my poor little car and inside before calling my parents to let them know I had gone through with the breakup and was safely back to Madison. I checked in with my three roommates before I began finding a place for everything I had taken back. I was halfway through unpacking when Marie, one of my roommates called up the stairs for me. I peeked my head out to see Garrett on the landing.
As I continued to drive on into the night I found myself lost in thought about my relationship with Thomas. It was a perfect love story and set up to last forever... well we see how that worked out. We met years and years ago; we have actually known each other since middle school. My parents had just moved us back to my hometown after spending ten years in a Chicago suburb for my father's job. This was the first time I had changed schools and knew nobody, not that I had gotten the chance to since we got settled in exactly one day before school started. Let's also take a minute to establish that the awkward middle school phase hit me like a freight train. I didn't see the first sign of boobs until well into high school, I had braces, and was rebelling against the upscale, suburbanite life my family embodied. AKA: my emo phase. I cringe even thinking about it. So here was this mess of braces, elbows and knees, and poorly dyed black hair getting on the bus bright and early Monday morning (I had never used the bus to get to school so I was only slightly intimidated) at the last stop and the only place to sit was in the back with some older looking kids. This tall, awkward looking guy with red (pink?) hair offered me a seat by him and made conversation with me. It looked like somebody else was going through the same phase as me and we bonded and became bus buddies. Thomas was a year older than me and became something like a big brother to me in middle school.
Fast forward a few years and he left me to grow up and be in high school while I had to sit in the eighth grade. Lame I know. By this time I had made plenty of friends (turns out everybody wants to get to know the new kid in small towns) and fit in with just about any crowd but really had a desire to date older boys. Of course Thomas was there on the bus still to help console me over my heartbreak of the week. We stayed friends in high school but drifted apart. He was more of the hipstery/musician crowd and I was in the homecoming court/go to every football game/varsity dance team crowd. Oh yeah, I'm a dancer, fun fact. It wasn't until the end of my junior year of high school and a slew of two-month relationships going nowhere, AND being dumped after prom (to be honest the best part of prom was parading around for court and looking like a princess, definitely not my date) that one of my guy friends said maybe Thomas was interested in me and I should consider talking to him again. We hardly ever talked anymore after I got my license and didn't need rides from him and I found it odd that he would be interested in me but whatever, it's boy attention and I was all about that life. Of course I texted him and struck up a conversation and talked day and night. And being the flirt I used to be I encouraged the attention but never agreed to a date until the summer after Thomas graduated, a few months since I first texted him. He took me to a tractor pull in a nearby town (that's what we do in small towns, don't judge) and it was cute and lame and cheesy and perfect. He even brought me back home (his parents') and made me filet mignon for dinner. I was clearly impressed.
Thomas was way too nice though, so of course I fizzled out our texts because he wasn't douchey enough and didn't try to have sex with me. Even though I had only slept with two guys up to this point, I was still a closet sloot, whatever. My head wasn't exactly screwed on straight in my high school years (it's probably not even now if we're being honest with ourselves). Instead I chose to fool around with this guy who was in love with himself so much he was incapable of noticing anybody else. At some point I realized this life was not fulfilling anymore and reached out to Thomas. I guess something in me knew it was time to go for somebody I could actually have a relationship with. Well, imagine my surprise when I called him and heard a female voice answer, "Thomas' phone." I didn't see him as the type of person to really go between girls although I had pretty much given him the cold shoulder so I just told her to have him call back when he was free. I know, ballsy. Not even ten minutes later he called apologizing about that (wrapped around my finger already) and said something about having a going-away party and this girl Staci that wouldn't leave him alone. Staci went to school with us and graduated with him and was well known for... making her rounds. She should have been a red flag from the start but I was more concerned about why in the hell he was having a going-away party. Thomas told me he was leaving for South Dakota in the morning for lineman school. I had no idea he was into that or even considered leaving but he told me there wasn't really much in Wisconsin for him.
So that was that. Thomas moving across the country was a kick in the ass that made me realize I wanted him. Two days after he arrived in South Dakota, he received a sobbing phone call from me reminding him how much I missed him. I get what I want, always. A few short weeks later, over Skype, Thomas asked me to be his girlfriend and it was the sweetest thing, probably ever. So we began our relationship over long distance. When he returned home, we had the strongest relationship anyone could ask for, even when I moved to Madison for college. We had five hours of distance between us but that didn't stop us. We visited whenever we could, with him making special trips to watch me dance (UW dance team, NBD). It was hard and the drive was agonizing, but we did everything we could to make it work. BUT...
His mother was the definition of monster-in-law. She adored me but since she never finished her college career and was a stay-at-home mom that leeched off of her husband she expected me to be a little housewife too. Sorry Karla, I have career goals. So of course she snuck in snide comments about school whenever she got the chance and had no lack of comments about the distance. It only got worse when Thomas and I decided to buy a house together. I think she was expecting me to quit school and enter full housewife mode. No such luck. My parents warned me that it would be difficult to balance but what 21-year-old listens to their parental warnings. Certainly not this one. Thankfully my name wasn't exactly on the mortgage so the status of the house ended up being the only thing not messy about the breakup. But back to the issue on hand. The MIL was getting increasingly rude and shot down all of the career paths I was thinking of. She was putting an unbearable amount of pressure on me to always be back home and that just wasn't feasible with class, dancing, and having an internship. I had planned on moving back home and claiming my hubby after graduation since I was guaranteed a job there but that wasn't soon enough for her. I was already halfway through my seventh semester, with only five months left. I had already nixed my plan of grad school when Thomas and I really started planning our future but he was more important to me. And here I was, exactly three weeks before my birthday. All of the pressure from her and Thomas adding to the anxiety with picking at everything I did in Madison finally brought me to the breaking point. Garrett entering the mix only fueled the fire.
I was pulled from my thoughts by the floodlight on my garage signaling I had made it back to my college house. I hauled all of my belongings out of my poor little car and inside before calling my parents to let them know I had gone through with the breakup and was safely back to Madison. I checked in with my three roommates before I began finding a place for everything I had taken back. I was halfway through unpacking when Marie, one of my roommates called up the stairs for me. I peeked my head out to see Garrett on the landing.
Thursday, February 11, 2016
Blackout
I had come here with clear intentions, and it was time to follow through.
"Thomas, I just need to do things on my own. I feel like we're growing apart and we both know you don't like who I'm becoming; I think we really need some space to figure out who we are and where we're going."That was such a rehearsed line and deep down, I knew it. I just couldn't bring myself to shatter his heart with the truth. I watched the tears roll down Thomas' face as he fell to his knees when my words finally sunk in. Truthfully, I don't know which one of us was more heartbroken. We both looked at the floor in silent tears until he finally looked up and spoke,
"Please. Please Brogan. Why are you doing this to me? Why is this so sudden? What about our future? Our home? Our baby?"I looked down at the brown eyes peering up at me and my heart broke knowing I was giving all of this up. I had it made here, I had a home we had put weeks of work into, Thomas provided for me even though he knew I could take care of myself, and we had a sweet, loyal collie we both loved like a child. There was no way I could take Kimber with me; the rental I shared with my three roommates had a strict no pet policy.
"Okay, what if maybe we just take some time and I make a decision?" I asked Thomas, wanting to somehow make this easier. I already knew my decision, but whatever he needed to hear. "Just give me a week to really think on it and then we'll evaluate where we are," he looked a little less devastated but I knew this would hit him hard. "I'll do anything Brogan, I can't lose you."
"I'm so sorry Thomas, just know that no matter what I will always love you," and with that we sat together in silent tears before I noticed how late it was getting and let him know I had to get on the road. "Aren't you staying with your parents tonight?" he asked me.
"No, I have a lot to do tonight and I didn't bring any clothes or anything plus I have class right away in the morning," I didn't have much to do, and truth be told, I would most likely be skipping my morning class but it gave me an excuse to get the hell out of there. We walked over to the door and looked sadly into each others' eyes for a moment before sharing one last kiss. With that I left his house, MY house, and didn't look back until I was an hour into my drive and realized I had a death grip on my steering wheel and was breathing like I had run a marathon. I hadn't remembered any of my drive; I barely knew where I was or how I even stayed on the road and it was well into the dark night. Great, I hate driving at night and can hardly see. I made a mental note to call my mom and get me into her office to see if I need glasses. I pulled over to get it together, mostly because I wanted to survive the roughly 4 hours I still had ahead of me. As I leaned my head against the steering wheel, the tears returned. I knew this was my choice, but that didn't help the pain at all. I was giving up so much and had no idea if I made the right decision. I pulled it together and wiped my nose on my sleeve like the lady I am and looked around. Slowly, I began to remember my surroundings and remembered where I was. I took another minute to slow my breathing to normal before I decided I was in the condition to finish driving.I spent the rest of my drive thinking about the last four and a half years with Thomas, the memories we had, and how it ended like this.
From the Author
Hi everyone! I know you probably want to hear more from Brogan than me, but I just want to thank everyone that has visited so far! I don't have a posting schedule just yet, but I'm stockpiling a couple of posts and once I have some saved up we'll fall into a schedule pretty nicely. I'm hoping. The first few posts are a little bit shorter, mostly because I'm too excited to get them posted. Again with the stockpiling, once I have more saved up and can regularly post you will notice them being much longer. Thank you everyone for your kind comments! Expect another Brogan post soon.
Wednesday, February 10, 2016
New Kid on the Block
Hi all, this is a fictional blog I just started (I have been sitting on this idea for a VERY long time) and I'm pretty excited. I made my first post, titled The End Begins to test the waters and see what kind of feedback I get. I know it's short but I want to gain at least one or two followers before I really dive into this blog. A few things you need to know about me: my real name is not Brogan (although I wish it was), I am currently finishing my final semester of grad school so bear with me, this blog is fictional but Brogan is inspired by me and other people I know, and most importantly: my posts will definitely be longer. I will have a blog description up soon but I have to head to my class for today. Please tell your friends and feel free to leave feedback!
The End Begins
"I just..."I stumbled for the words to even begin to explain what got me to this point as Thomas stared at me, the pain of a million heartbreaks painted a cross his face. This all seemed so much easier thinking about it on my drive home.
"I truly love you. So much. I just..."Come ON Brogan, get it together! This was by no means something I was looking forward to doing and hurt me just as much as it hurt him. I've just perfected hiding my feelings. The stone cold bitch act has become my specialty, but I could feel the act starting to come apart. Seeing the man I thought I loved so much, the man I was sure was The One, the man I had started planning my life with so torn apart made me begin to regret my decision.
"I just don't think I can do this anymore. You know I love you more than anything in the world but I just need to..."The tears started falling. I didn't know what to tell Thomas; I knew this was already painful for him and I didn't want to hurt him anymore. He was already devastated to come home and see me, not as a surprise visit, but packing up my belongings and shoving as much as I could fit into my old Buick. I looked down and saw our two-year-old dog whimpering. She knew something was up and the look in her big brown eyes made my heart ache. I had to do this. I had made my bed and now it was time to lie in it.
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